I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Randomize
