Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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