He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
