You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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