If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
