So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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