Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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