i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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