Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
25 Hilarious ‘Sex Clubs’ You Should Try To Join
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa