I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
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You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
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how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?