my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.