I just pynch a tree in the face
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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