They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
