We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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