True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
