there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
