Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
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