sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
