Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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