I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
