I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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