My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
