i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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