last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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