I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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