i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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