I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
