I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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