Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
