The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
