Jerry, you need to find god
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
