My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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