well you can't waste a boner
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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