I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
