I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
do herpes really smell.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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