Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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