Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
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You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
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I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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