seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
