I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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