if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My liver just had a heart attack.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
