I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He shit in the fireplace
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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