I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
