What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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