god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
