and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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