In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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