the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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