When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
