I will die if light touches me.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
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It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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