Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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