i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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