I wish I only lived at night.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
