that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I think people are normalizing furries
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
