i just snorted my name. best moment ever
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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