I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it's like heaven, but drunker
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
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