best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
