the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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